Isn’t it weird to think that there are oodles of people out there who
could change your life, but at this moment it’s as if they don’t exist?
Think about it. Maybe somewhere in the wilderness of Siberia someone has
the potential to influence you in such a way that who you were as a
person becomes a thing of the past and the new you, the better you, is
reborn. I guess I can say I’m lucky because I actually got to meet
someone like that.
If someone had said the name Nicolas Kemp to me before my senior year
of high school, I would have shrugged my shoulders and said I’d never
heard of him, unaware of the person behind that name. At that time, he
was being home-schooled in his high-rise apartment overlooking Lake
Michigan, the kind of penthouse I thought only celebrities owned. Lucky
dog. Why his mother signed him up to go to my school for his last year
of high school, I’ll never know. Maybe she wanted him to socialize more,
but if she knew my classmates like I knew them, she would’ve locked him
in his room and never let him leave. He was probably spending most of
his days reading, since that was what brought us together in the first
place. He always seemed to have a book in his hands.
In every class he'd be carrying a book -- in Literature class, in Math,
Chemistry, even in Phys Ed, some tome would be close at hand. Never a
new book, though, always something old, dog-eared. Classics, he called
them.
It was one of those classics, crawling with little
book-eating insects, that he brought to Physics class the day we were
learning about radiation. I guess one of those bugs got too
close to the uranium and bit him, causing the hideous transformation.
It's only now, after all these years, that I can talk about how Nicolas
Kemp became Evil Editor.
And he never did learn how to socialize properly.
Opening: Karen Britten.....Continuation: Anon.
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13 comments:
Unchosen continuation:
Since he seemed to like books, and since I am a book, I thought I might approach him. I do confess that, at first, he looked a little unsettled by a talking book with legs. Especially since those legs were clad in fishnet hose.
"Hey there, Nick," I said to him on that first encounter, "shall I spread my pages and let you take a more intimate peek?"
As Nicolas pinched his eyes shut and turned his face away, he said, "I don't think this is what Mother expected when she sent me to be a minion at EE's school of critiquing."
"We all must grow up sometime," I said. "Critique me! Critque me 'til I cry."
I turned another page.
--James
P1: The example given, of a person living in Siberia, doesn't seem that relevant, considering that Nicolas was living in the same city as the narrator. I don't think the first paragraph is needed at all. Presumably you're going to show us now Nicolas changes the narrator's life, so no need to tell us it's going to happen.
P2: Get rid of "unaware of the person behind that name"
It's not so unusual for a high school student to be carrying a book. Can you be more specific about what brings them together? Like is he always carrying the Koran or The Catcher in the Rye or Evil Editor Teaches School?
If the narrator has experienced this life-changing encounter, why do they say it's weird even to think it might happen? I suspect that opening paragraph was written while the author was getting the idea for the story sorted out in their own mind. It's served its purpose and can now go :).
Too many words. Too much internal philosophizing. Cut to the chase.
Why his mother signed him up to go to my school for his last year of high school, I’ll never know.
Well, s/he could ask him. But my guess would be his mom thought it would look better on his college applications. Or maybe she thought he needed more socialization. That's a problem w/ some homeschooled kids. Especially boys.
I think you'd be better off going in-scene.
"Hi. What are you reading?" I asked the new boy-- and immediately changed my life forever.
Or something like that. You could even leave out the changing his/her life forever.
(229 words in, and we don't know your protag's gender.)
The whole 'concealed gender' issue is common with first person. Sometimes it's deliberate (Joanne Harris has written a book where (she thinks) the gender is a big reveal near the end). Sometimes I think the author either doesn't know how to work it in or thinks it'll be as obvious to us as it is to them. It's not, always.
There's also the issue of the reader unconsciously ascribing the author's gender (if known) to the narrator.
I remember editing a story into which I inserted an early reference to the narrator's name so their gender could be established near the start of the story--rather than several pages in. I can see that working less and less well in the future, as names seem to be becoming more unisex in the West.
Anyone got any tips for inserting gender into this opening without being ham-fisted? :)
One option would be to change the general "high school" to the specific "Lindsay Lohan School for Wayward Girls."
However, as it happens, the author submitted more than the requested 150 - 200 words, so I can reveal that the next paragraph begins:
At that point in my life, I was just Leila Jayne, the soccer-playing, straight-A student extraordinaire, or, as I referred to myself, Leila the Robot. Leila, the girl dragged from soccer practice to SAT prep to the library for tutoring.
If we drop the 1st paragraph, the gender comes early enough.
Karen, This is a very good opening. Zero in, tighten. The waffling (Siberia) doesn't help. Love the voice.
I believe you can take me on a journey here. Sharpen it up and let me ride with you.
Nice.
Wilkins MacQueen
I agree about the first paragraph. It looks like the lead-in to a school essay. It can be dropped. the second is more interesting.
Well, it's okay-- after all, Sarah Caudwell wrote an entire four-book mystery series without revealing her protag's gender.
Just kind of meant it as an example of there being too much musing and not enough story.
The unpublished paragraph would be a good opening, actually, with a little tweaking.
We definitely agree about less musing and more story.
I read this early and then the doorbell rang and it's now hours later and ten comments.
I might not cut as drastically as the others suggest but I would cut, cut, cut.
First Paragraph:
Isn’t it weird that there are people who could change your life?
That's the entire point of that paragraph in one sentence, simple and unadorned. I think it leaves the reader agreeing. We all have people who've changed our lives for both good and bad. We can relate. WE don't need anything more to relate. IMHO.
Second Paragraph:
I never heard of Nicolas Kemp before my senior year. His mother sent him to my high school after eleven years of home-schooling. If she knew my classmates like I knew them, she would’ve locked him in his room and never let him leave. He always seemed to have a book in his hands. We met over a book.
This sets the scene and gives enough backstory to explain the sitation.
Third Paragraph:
At that point in my life, I was just Leila Jayne, the soccer-playing, straight-A student extraordinaire, or, as I referred to myself, Leila the Robot. Leila, the girl dragged from soccer practice to SAT prep.
And this reveals the narrator. As readers, we are smart enough to already see the possibilities. Right now, in the opening few hundred words, these aren't obscure characters. They are the NERD and the SPORTS GIRL WITHOUT A LIFE. They are in a HS with teenage egos struggling to understand themselves.
You could drop even my suggested first sentence. It's up to you.
I liked the philosophizing; it gives the narrator a voice and a personality. The problem to me is that the ideas get buried under too many words.
For example, you say: "If someone had said the name Nicolas Kemp to me before my senior year of high school, I would have shrugged my shoulders and said I’d never heard of him, unaware of the person behind that name. "
The actual gist of the sentence is: "Before my senior year of high school, the name Nicolas Kemp meant nothing to me."
That's 15 words. You used 35.
Anyone got any tips for inserting gender into this opening...
Sure, I got a couple of--
...without being ham-fisted?
Oh. :(
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