Mary fell fast. The air was silent.
“Stop!” cried a voice.
“Too late,” thought Mary as she fell, less than one second from hitting the ground.
But the command halted her movement. She remained above the concrete, hovering upside-down.
Moments passed. Mary struggled to upright herself, just an inch above the dirty pavement. But she was stuck. Some old newspapers wafted towards her, narrowly avoiding her face.
Then a fat lady appeared, as if stepping from behind an invisible door. A fat lady in a frilly pink dress, who waved a wooden stick with a clumsy yellow-painted star attached to it. “I am your fairy godmother,” the lady announced grandly. “I am here to help you.”
Mary, astonished, bellowed, “Why have you waited so long? Can’t you see that you’re too late. I’m dead!”
The pink-clad matronly woman pursed her lips. “Dear, you are very difficult. Why don’t you relax.”
Mary replied heatedly: “Go back to your fairy kingdom. As soon as I go to heaven, I’ll give you a terrible recommendation.”
The fairy godmother sighed dramatically, and said: “What makes you think you are going to heaven?” Then she laughed, her large diamond earrings tinkling as her body shook.
Mary shrugged glumly. As she was upside-down, it looked strange. The fairy godmother laughed gently: “You look ridiculous.”
“Well, you’re a failure as a fairy godmother,” Mary announced sullenly, and then closed her eyes. Tears fell through her hair onto the ground. She had no intention of being tormented in this manner, especially after being dead.
--R. T.
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6 comments:
Mary's 'dying' in a very amusing manner--fun! But the adverbs are killing me.
Yeah, I was just going to say I love the premise and the fluffy pink fairy god-mother, it's good stuff. You don't need all those over explanitory, adverby, speech-taggy things.
Two smartmouths in a crucible is always fun :o)
I like the personalitles and what's going on here...I remember the query and it looked like a fun read. I'm getting stuck in the time sequence on "as she fell, less than one second from hitting the ground"--'as she fell' sounds like a process, the other like a split second. I think 'just an inch above the dirty pavement' gives the same information and gives it better. And I agree about the adverbs and some of the adjectives.
I remember that query. This is funny but adverbially challenged, much like the almost dead Mary.
Almost dead is a funny concept. So is merely dead but not completely dead. Now absolutely, positively dead as a doornail is not very funny. Think about the absurdity of the situtation and make it funnier.
Cute premise, I'm in league with the others who advised against all the adverbs.
I really enjoyed the lead-in - the "too late" thought and then realising she was being held in place above the ground.
Nitpick:
Can’t you see that you’re too late.
This should be a question mark.
As she was upside-down, it looked strange.
This is unneeded, I think. The godmother's reaction tells us how she looks.
I would definitely read on!
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